I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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