pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
