I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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