Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
