Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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