In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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