i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
