don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize