so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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