she woke up with a sticky ear
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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