There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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