I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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