You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
