Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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