My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
