My room smells like vodka and shame
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm just crazy horny about you
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
