What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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