just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
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