Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
