I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
