i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize