If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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