At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
