sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
