so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
