Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
