I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
