hotel room ftw
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
