i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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