I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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