Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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