highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize