note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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