life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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