I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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