You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize