Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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