he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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