WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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