i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
