my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
