Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
