The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
