Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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