but the lizard people decide everything anyway
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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