I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
