i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize