can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
