I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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