Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
