i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
