sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
