I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
