Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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