I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
