im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
someone get that fucking seahorse.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
