im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
