someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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