But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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