i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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