and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
