First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
