Betty ford says i'm here all night
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need a beard to bite.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
