I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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