i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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