My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
