dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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