despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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