If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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