dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
