I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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