Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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