On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
How external is "for external use only"?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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